Today I started water aerobics, what fun that is. I love the pool!! It is so hot here, 112 today and getting in that water was heaven!!
I went to see an chiropractor today, told me my hips were out by 2 inches. That woman used brut force to get those suckers where they belong! Hurt like crap! I think its going to help my knee though that and doing the water aerobics, already my knee feels better, not great but better. I hope it continues on. I don't want to have to have surgery again!
Anyway, I realized that exercising in the water is so much easier and you don't sweat! Amazing....
All in all it was a good day. Not much else to say.....
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Scared to admit...
I haven't wrote on here in a while because I was scared to admit I was failing. I thought what was the sense of writing about weight loss when I wasn't doing it. I was just going along day to day eating what I wanted hoping like hell I wasn't gaining, afraid to get on the scale to find out. Then I get a call from my husband who was reading my blog and wanted to know why I hadn't wrote in a while. I told him I felt like a hypocrite, how could I write about losing weight when I was failing miserably? He said this was for my own peace of mind and to help me mentally. I guess if no one reads this then its okay, its more for my benefit and to see my highs and my lows and how I cope.
I sat here 3 mornings ago at the kitchen table bawling my eyes out. I am so ashamed of what I look like, absolutely ashamed...so ashamed and embarrassed of how I look that I won't even see a friend of mine that I haven't seen in forever. I guess she is coming here to where I live and wants to see me, I haven't even answered her message. Anyway, I sat at the table bawling my eyes out, praying asking Heavenly Father to give me peace if I'm going to get this weight off, or at least a lot of it this year. I said a few more things, ended my prayer and then immediately stopped crying and was in a much better mood! I guess that was my answer. I was going to get a lot off. I know I have to do my part and when I do, then he'll do his. I literally battle each day NOT to over eat and to eat the right things or at least have portion control on the things that aren't what I should have.
Last night my husband wanted Chinese, I went and got fried rice and chicken on a stick! I didn't take much rice, thought the chicken would be better for me, so I ate it, all of it. Then I drank a ton of water and took my pills for the night. I immediately got ill. I was in the bathroom trying to throw up. I had so much water in me, it literally made me ill.
Right now I am NOT a weight loss success story, I am a woman trying hard to lose weight, there are days I win the battle and there are days I don't. I'll try not to be so ashamed of failing and write anyway, it won't be easy but I will try.
I sat here 3 mornings ago at the kitchen table bawling my eyes out. I am so ashamed of what I look like, absolutely ashamed...so ashamed and embarrassed of how I look that I won't even see a friend of mine that I haven't seen in forever. I guess she is coming here to where I live and wants to see me, I haven't even answered her message. Anyway, I sat at the table bawling my eyes out, praying asking Heavenly Father to give me peace if I'm going to get this weight off, or at least a lot of it this year. I said a few more things, ended my prayer and then immediately stopped crying and was in a much better mood! I guess that was my answer. I was going to get a lot off. I know I have to do my part and when I do, then he'll do his. I literally battle each day NOT to over eat and to eat the right things or at least have portion control on the things that aren't what I should have.
Last night my husband wanted Chinese, I went and got fried rice and chicken on a stick! I didn't take much rice, thought the chicken would be better for me, so I ate it, all of it. Then I drank a ton of water and took my pills for the night. I immediately got ill. I was in the bathroom trying to throw up. I had so much water in me, it literally made me ill.
Right now I am NOT a weight loss success story, I am a woman trying hard to lose weight, there are days I win the battle and there are days I don't. I'll try not to be so ashamed of failing and write anyway, it won't be easy but I will try.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Good intentions....
Funny how good intentions go to hell....I couldn't believe that I, ME....let me say that again bigger "ME" wanted to go to the gym yesterday. I couldn't believe that I
"WANTED" to sweat!! I hate, hate, hate sweating....but I knew that when I exercise that sweating means you are working it off, that the fat is trying to come off. I had only planned on staying on the treadmill 15 minutes since I am just starting this exercise routine but I was listening to Brooks and Dunn and just kept walking. I lasted 20 minutes like Bill (Body for Life) says you should.
For breakfast I had a protein drink, then I exercised about 3 hours later, then came home and had 3 pieces of old fried chicken (breast, leg, wing) and a cup of crystal lite, for dinner I went and got Chinese fried rice and some chicken.
That's what I mean about good intentions, I started out good, went to hell in a hand bag as the day wore on. That's okay, at least I exercised, for that I am proud of myself and wanting to was even better. I guess prayer does work! What am I talking about?!?! I KNOW prayer works, that's why I do it. I have been asking Heavenly Father to help me change my attitude about exercising and really like it. I guess that's happening, I'm glad it happened so fast! I just need to keep asking.
Today is weight day....I guess I'll do upper body since I can't do lower. My arms are still sore from two days ago when I smoked them. Anyway....have a great day.
"WANTED" to sweat!! I hate, hate, hate sweating....but I knew that when I exercise that sweating means you are working it off, that the fat is trying to come off. I had only planned on staying on the treadmill 15 minutes since I am just starting this exercise routine but I was listening to Brooks and Dunn and just kept walking. I lasted 20 minutes like Bill (Body for Life) says you should.
For breakfast I had a protein drink, then I exercised about 3 hours later, then came home and had 3 pieces of old fried chicken (breast, leg, wing) and a cup of crystal lite, for dinner I went and got Chinese fried rice and some chicken.
That's what I mean about good intentions, I started out good, went to hell in a hand bag as the day wore on. That's okay, at least I exercised, for that I am proud of myself and wanting to was even better. I guess prayer does work! What am I talking about?!?! I KNOW prayer works, that's why I do it. I have been asking Heavenly Father to help me change my attitude about exercising and really like it. I guess that's happening, I'm glad it happened so fast! I just need to keep asking.
Today is weight day....I guess I'll do upper body since I can't do lower. My arms are still sore from two days ago when I smoked them. Anyway....have a great day.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
First day
Okay, I finally got down to brass tacks yesterday. I did weights, upper body. Boy I smoked my arms!! After I was done, my arms shook for at least 10 minutes!! Holy cow, today they are sore but I'll live.
Today I go to the gym and do cardio for 15-20 minutes. I need to call Bill Phillips (Body for Life) website and see what I do about lower body weights. I had surgery on my knee a year ago but the doctor says I'm not allowed to kneel, crawl, stoop or squat and I can't carry, push or pull anything over 20 pounds, so I think I'm kind of screwed. I thought if I called them they could give me some advice or tell me to talk to my doctor which in this case is a Workman's comp doctor. We'll see..
Anyway...here's what I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: 1/2 cup oatmeal
3/4 cup milk
1 bagel with some butter
Mid Morning Snack: 2 pieces of string cheese
Lunch: some left over roast (which wasn't much)
some left over potatoes and carrots
No Mid afternoon snack
Dinner: 1 turkey burger
2 pieces of wheat bread
salad
low fat ranch dressing
Evening snack: small bag of m&m's - blew it there...
Evenings are hard for me but a small bag of m&m's isn't horrible
I am excited (what a minute ..... did I just say excited?!?!?!) to get to the gym today. I want to have buff arms and shoulders like my husband. That man looks good....
Okay that's it for today. Will tell you tomorrow how today goes.
Today I go to the gym and do cardio for 15-20 minutes. I need to call Bill Phillips (Body for Life) website and see what I do about lower body weights. I had surgery on my knee a year ago but the doctor says I'm not allowed to kneel, crawl, stoop or squat and I can't carry, push or pull anything over 20 pounds, so I think I'm kind of screwed. I thought if I called them they could give me some advice or tell me to talk to my doctor which in this case is a Workman's comp doctor. We'll see..
Anyway...here's what I ate yesterday:
Breakfast: 1/2 cup oatmeal
3/4 cup milk
1 bagel with some butter
Mid Morning Snack: 2 pieces of string cheese
Lunch: some left over roast (which wasn't much)
some left over potatoes and carrots
No Mid afternoon snack
Dinner: 1 turkey burger
2 pieces of wheat bread
salad
low fat ranch dressing
Evening snack: small bag of m&m's - blew it there...
Evenings are hard for me but a small bag of m&m's isn't horrible
I am excited (what a minute ..... did I just say excited?!?!?!) to get to the gym today. I want to have buff arms and shoulders like my husband. That man looks good....
Okay that's it for today. Will tell you tomorrow how today goes.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Today it begins
I've been thinking about it and thinking about it and I decided that today is the day to start weights and doing cardio like Bill says in his book "Body for Life" I have weights here that my husband bought me a long time ago and I will to arms today. Tomorrow its to the gym and getting on the treadmill.
My plan is to pray hard that I will LOVE working out and seeing results quickly to help me keep it up. I hate sweating but my husband tells me that sweating is good that it means you are losing fat. I also need to work out on an empty stomach. Bill Phillips says in his book that when you work out on an empty stomach that your body has to grab energy from somewhere so it will get it from the fat stored in your body, where as if you ate then worked out its just grabbing it from the food instead. Bill also says that you shouldn't do cardio any longer then 20 Min's. He says the low intensity workout for a long period of time does nothing for you. He tells you how to do the 20 min cardio so you can lose weight. He also says to write down all your goals. On his website he has charts you can fill out to keep track of your work out. He isn't all about losing weight fast, he's about doing it right, eating right, exercising right and doing it for life. It really is a good program and a wonderful book. You should get it. They aren't paying me for saying anything about his book, I just believe in it.
Bill tells this story about this woman who is in her 80's - 90's(?) and she's in a wheel chair and she started working his program and there is a picture of her "standing" in a work out outfit! Amazing!!
So wish me luck!! Here's how the plan works:
1. Drink at least 10 cups of water a day
2. 6 small meals a day - every 2-3 hours
3. 20 min cardio every other day
4. Weights the oppisite days of cardio (when doing weights you are working on diff parts of your body each time, i.e. arms, back, legs, shoulders and so on)
5. Take a before picture
6. In 4 weeks take another picture and do that every 4 weeks.
7. In 12 weeks access where I'm at with a final picture. I will post these pictures as I go.
8. Do it all over again until the weight is gone. (this will take a long time)
My plan is to pray hard that I will LOVE working out and seeing results quickly to help me keep it up. I hate sweating but my husband tells me that sweating is good that it means you are losing fat. I also need to work out on an empty stomach. Bill Phillips says in his book that when you work out on an empty stomach that your body has to grab energy from somewhere so it will get it from the fat stored in your body, where as if you ate then worked out its just grabbing it from the food instead. Bill also says that you shouldn't do cardio any longer then 20 Min's. He says the low intensity workout for a long period of time does nothing for you. He tells you how to do the 20 min cardio so you can lose weight. He also says to write down all your goals. On his website he has charts you can fill out to keep track of your work out. He isn't all about losing weight fast, he's about doing it right, eating right, exercising right and doing it for life. It really is a good program and a wonderful book. You should get it. They aren't paying me for saying anything about his book, I just believe in it.
Bill tells this story about this woman who is in her 80's - 90's(?) and she's in a wheel chair and she started working his program and there is a picture of her "standing" in a work out outfit! Amazing!!
So wish me luck!! Here's how the plan works:
1. Drink at least 10 cups of water a day
2. 6 small meals a day - every 2-3 hours
3. 20 min cardio every other day
4. Weights the oppisite days of cardio (when doing weights you are working on diff parts of your body each time, i.e. arms, back, legs, shoulders and so on)
5. Take a before picture
6. In 4 weeks take another picture and do that every 4 weeks.
7. In 12 weeks access where I'm at with a final picture. I will post these pictures as I go.
8. Do it all over again until the weight is gone. (this will take a long time)
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Making better decisions...
Several things have happened in my family that are all good excuses to over eat....NOT...but its done anyway. My daughter and son-in-law just took their oldest to Utah to go to school. I can't believe that in a month this granddaughter of mine will be 19. I swear just yesterday she was 4 months old! Anyway....they asked if I would watch their youngest (he's 6) while they took the oldest. We meet them at McDonald's to pick him up and say good bye to her. I cried when they left, it felt like my own leaving the nest and I hated it then. While my little grandson was here, he's all about his grandpa. He loves that man. For the most part we had a good time with him. He was only here from Sunday thru Thursday without them. They showed up Thursday to take him home. I HATE it when my daughter leaves, I get depressed, cry and I'm usually like that for days. Guess what I do during those days of depression?!?! You guessed it....I over eat. I have to fill that void somehow. Hell I can't deal with the feelings, that hurts too bad. This time was no exception. I over ate yesterday ... but today I'm not going to do it. Something interesting happened while my daughter was here. We had gone to Walmart so they could pick up a couple things and her and her husband got candy bars. On the way home she offered me some, twice. I refused. I really didn't want any. Later her and I were sitting at my kitchen table and I was crying about how miserable I am looking like this and not having any self control. She said something interesting to me. She said, "Mom, do you have self control, I offered you a candy bar twice and both times you refused." Never thought of it that way...NEVER! She's right, I guess I do have self control.
So yesterday I started my usual eating and at some point I said out loud to no one but me, "enough already, no more!" and amazingly enough, I didn't eat anymore. I fixed bbq chicken for dinner and that's it. After dinner I have NOTHING....now that doesn't sound like much to others but for me, that's good!
So here's the plan for today:
Breakfast: a bowl of cereal and a bagel
Lunch: a salad with veggies in it and low fat ranch dressing
Dinner: chicken or turkey and veggies
If I want a snack I will either have ONE piece of string cheese and an apple, a quarter of a cantaloupe or a protein drink and lots of water today. I will let you know tomorrow how this works out.
Later....
So yesterday I started my usual eating and at some point I said out loud to no one but me, "enough already, no more!" and amazingly enough, I didn't eat anymore. I fixed bbq chicken for dinner and that's it. After dinner I have NOTHING....now that doesn't sound like much to others but for me, that's good!
So here's the plan for today:
Breakfast: a bowl of cereal and a bagel
Lunch: a salad with veggies in it and low fat ranch dressing
Dinner: chicken or turkey and veggies
If I want a snack I will either have ONE piece of string cheese and an apple, a quarter of a cantaloupe or a protein drink and lots of water today. I will let you know tomorrow how this works out.
Later....
Monday, June 20, 2011
Having to get control..
Over eaters don't know the word "stop!" Its a terrible addiction to have. When you are a drug addict or you turn to alcohol or even pills you CAN give them up. But food....not so much! You have to eat everyday of your life and not once a day either. Its a constant battle of what do I eat, how much do I eat and on and on. When you are an over eater, at times for me, it seems there is never enough. Thank goodness I don't do that all the time, just every once in a while. Never the less, I over eat "something" to look like this and of course not exercising doesn't help.
I had my husband buy fruit, not junk for me. Then my little grandson came to stay with us for about a week. I, of course, want to spoil him and I bought all the stuff he likes, pop tarts, breakfast bars, ice cream, mac and cheese, spaghettio's and whatever else he likes. He's 6 years old and of course he doesn't eat like I do! I ask him if he's hungry, nope. I honestly wish I had the stomach of a 6 year old...anyway, I can already see me rationalize eating some of the stuff I got for him...."he'll never eat all of this, one won't hurt" HONESTLY....what the hell am I thinking?!?! No maybe 'ONE' won't hurt but who are we kidding, can I honestly stop at one???
I noticed last night, that I was eating one thing after another. String cheese (2 of those), an ice sandwich, a little bag of m&m's, some cantaloupe. See what I mean?? I feel like I have no control. I honestly have to tell myself to STOP for cryin' out loud!! Holy crap you aren't hungry you are bored, just deal with it and go on....gees....
Dr Phil says we hang on to whatever is going on in our life because it works for us. I like it when he says "how's that working for you?" its not!! I saw last night where he helped Fergie break through to what is wrong with her, she wants approval. I want to know what makes me over eat. What is it that I keep hanging onto to stay like this? Is it one thing in my life that made me like this or is it many things all rolled into one?
I wish I could figure it out....
Hopefully you will be able to figure out what demons you have in your life to stop doing what you are doing. I hope and pray the same thing for me. My best friend told me she use to pray and ask for her mind to be healed. I need to ask for the same thing.
Later....
I had my husband buy fruit, not junk for me. Then my little grandson came to stay with us for about a week. I, of course, want to spoil him and I bought all the stuff he likes, pop tarts, breakfast bars, ice cream, mac and cheese, spaghettio's and whatever else he likes. He's 6 years old and of course he doesn't eat like I do! I ask him if he's hungry, nope. I honestly wish I had the stomach of a 6 year old...anyway, I can already see me rationalize eating some of the stuff I got for him...."he'll never eat all of this, one won't hurt" HONESTLY....what the hell am I thinking?!?! No maybe 'ONE' won't hurt but who are we kidding, can I honestly stop at one???
I noticed last night, that I was eating one thing after another. String cheese (2 of those), an ice sandwich, a little bag of m&m's, some cantaloupe. See what I mean?? I feel like I have no control. I honestly have to tell myself to STOP for cryin' out loud!! Holy crap you aren't hungry you are bored, just deal with it and go on....gees....
Dr Phil says we hang on to whatever is going on in our life because it works for us. I like it when he says "how's that working for you?" its not!! I saw last night where he helped Fergie break through to what is wrong with her, she wants approval. I want to know what makes me over eat. What is it that I keep hanging onto to stay like this? Is it one thing in my life that made me like this or is it many things all rolled into one?
I wish I could figure it out....
Hopefully you will be able to figure out what demons you have in your life to stop doing what you are doing. I hope and pray the same thing for me. My best friend told me she use to pray and ask for her mind to be healed. I need to ask for the same thing.
Later....
Saturday, June 18, 2011
I hate that its so hard....
Yesterday I was like a mad woman, I wanted to eat "something" "anything" so bad. I was desperate enough to eat a hard taco shell! That's because I have NO junk in my house, for that very reason. Those cravings were awful. All my resolve went down the drain.
I had a ton of phone calls to make, I had to reapply for unemployment. I'm good for another 15-20 weeks. I need to find a job, part time anyway. I need to be around people. I sit in this house day after day with no one to talk to. My husband comes home and he eats then jumps on his PS3 and plays with the guys until 9pm, he watches TV for an hour and then goes to bed. One Fridays he stays on it until 1-2am. Now mind you, he will get off if I need something and on Fridays he reserves 6 to 9 pm for me, but still 95% of the time I am alone. I wonder if that's why I eat or another reason why I eat.
I wish I could figure it out what is going on in my brain that makes me like this. I saw an Oprah show one time where she said you need to figure out what is your reason for staying like this before you can lose. I wonder if that's true.
I like everyone else has things that have happened in their past. I had a father who had depression problems, 2 failed marriages, kids who got into trouble (but are wonderful now as adults), you know just the "normal" crap that happens in life. But there must be something in there that wasn't so normal for me that started me on this road of eating and eating. I didn't get like this until in my late 20's early 30's. I wonder if I should start there in my life and see what was going on. I will have to give that some though...
Here's how desperate I was yesterday on eating:
breakfast: bowl of shredded wheat and 2 piece of toast
lunch: 2 little red potatoes fried in olive oil and 2 eggs mixed with them
afternoon snack: 2 Popsicles and a taco shell!
dinner: steak and peas and carrots
evening snack: small bag of m&m's, 4 squares of my husbands chocolate bar he gave me, (I didn't ask for it) and some more steak!! Steak for a snack?!?! oh gees....
So during the day it doesn't look so bad but evening I went to hell in a hand bag!! I always go stupid in the evening. Part of that is because I'm not making anymore hair bows, I have a ton of them and no one is buying them. I have a website that no one is visiting and no one is buying anything of mine at the consignment shop either. So why make more? Since I'm not making them, then I'm doing nothing, just sitting and eating. Gotta get to work on my genealogy classes, that should help.
Until next time....
I had a ton of phone calls to make, I had to reapply for unemployment. I'm good for another 15-20 weeks. I need to find a job, part time anyway. I need to be around people. I sit in this house day after day with no one to talk to. My husband comes home and he eats then jumps on his PS3 and plays with the guys until 9pm, he watches TV for an hour and then goes to bed. One Fridays he stays on it until 1-2am. Now mind you, he will get off if I need something and on Fridays he reserves 6 to 9 pm for me, but still 95% of the time I am alone. I wonder if that's why I eat or another reason why I eat.
I wish I could figure it out what is going on in my brain that makes me like this. I saw an Oprah show one time where she said you need to figure out what is your reason for staying like this before you can lose. I wonder if that's true.
I like everyone else has things that have happened in their past. I had a father who had depression problems, 2 failed marriages, kids who got into trouble (but are wonderful now as adults), you know just the "normal" crap that happens in life. But there must be something in there that wasn't so normal for me that started me on this road of eating and eating. I didn't get like this until in my late 20's early 30's. I wonder if I should start there in my life and see what was going on. I will have to give that some though...
Here's how desperate I was yesterday on eating:
breakfast: bowl of shredded wheat and 2 piece of toast
lunch: 2 little red potatoes fried in olive oil and 2 eggs mixed with them
afternoon snack: 2 Popsicles and a taco shell!
dinner: steak and peas and carrots
evening snack: small bag of m&m's, 4 squares of my husbands chocolate bar he gave me, (I didn't ask for it) and some more steak!! Steak for a snack?!?! oh gees....
So during the day it doesn't look so bad but evening I went to hell in a hand bag!! I always go stupid in the evening. Part of that is because I'm not making anymore hair bows, I have a ton of them and no one is buying them. I have a website that no one is visiting and no one is buying anything of mine at the consignment shop either. So why make more? Since I'm not making them, then I'm doing nothing, just sitting and eating. Gotta get to work on my genealogy classes, that should help.
Until next time....
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Exercising or the lack thereof!
Exercising is not fun for me. Although I have to admit I always feel better when I'm done. Yesterday I decided to get back into the gym, I only walked 15 mins (I am so out of shape) when I was done I had a bounce in my step, I was in a good mood, I was helping my heart out, I was GOOD!!
I am hoping and I literally pray that I will come to love exercising. My problem, out side of being lazy is I hate to sweat! I hate the heat, I hate summer, I whine a lot when I'm hot. When I was walking on the treadmill, I kept wiping my face down, remembering what my husband said to me, sweating is good it means you are moving and doing good for your body. I know he's right but it doesn't make me like it any better.
What motivated me to get back into the gym was a couple things. When I am in the shower I am out of breathe, when I vacuum I am out of breathe, when I MOVE I am out of breathe. THIS IS STUPID!! I don't want to be out of breathe anymore. Also, when I watch TV and I see all these girls with their little flat stomachs I am envious. I look down and see one that hangs down and I am discussed.
I don't remember what I was watching the other day but this lady said to another "when you look into a mirror LOVE your body and tell yourself you are beautiful" OH GIVE ME A BREAK.....when I look into the mirror I want to gag! There isn't one part of me that I love, as far as my body goes that is. Me as a person, I am awesome! But the body part of me is gross. Okay be prepared I am about to get very honest and detailed, its not for the faint of heart....
When I look into the mirror (naked) I see a stomach that hangs to the top of my legs, I see a butt, that as my mother says, has a shelf on it, I see big arms and legs that are huge. I see breast that no longer resemble breast, they look more like sacks hanging on my chest!! There is no part of that picture that is beautiful. When I lose this weight I will need plastic surgery in a bad way.
Another reason I want to lose weight is to get off the medication and C-pap I am on. I hate sleeping with that thing on my face. I thank God for it though because it keeps me alive. I want to be able to take a shower with my husband one day. We have been married 20 1/2 years and NEVER in that time have we taken a shower together. I refuse to let him see me naked. Would you want to see someone who looks like I do naked? Yea that's what I thought and trust me he doesn't either. He is not the kind of man who thinks rolls and more rolls on a woman is sexy. He isn't mean about it at all. He has never said one ugly word to me about my weight except that he wishes I took better care of myself, heck I do too!!
So now you know why I want/need to get into the gym and do cardio to start before I do weights. I was going to post a picture of what I look like now on here and I couldn't find one. I am always behind the camera, I try never to be in front of it. I guess I succeeded.
Later....
I am hoping and I literally pray that I will come to love exercising. My problem, out side of being lazy is I hate to sweat! I hate the heat, I hate summer, I whine a lot when I'm hot. When I was walking on the treadmill, I kept wiping my face down, remembering what my husband said to me, sweating is good it means you are moving and doing good for your body. I know he's right but it doesn't make me like it any better.
What motivated me to get back into the gym was a couple things. When I am in the shower I am out of breathe, when I vacuum I am out of breathe, when I MOVE I am out of breathe. THIS IS STUPID!! I don't want to be out of breathe anymore. Also, when I watch TV and I see all these girls with their little flat stomachs I am envious. I look down and see one that hangs down and I am discussed.
I don't remember what I was watching the other day but this lady said to another "when you look into a mirror LOVE your body and tell yourself you are beautiful" OH GIVE ME A BREAK.....when I look into the mirror I want to gag! There isn't one part of me that I love, as far as my body goes that is. Me as a person, I am awesome! But the body part of me is gross. Okay be prepared I am about to get very honest and detailed, its not for the faint of heart....
When I look into the mirror (naked) I see a stomach that hangs to the top of my legs, I see a butt, that as my mother says, has a shelf on it, I see big arms and legs that are huge. I see breast that no longer resemble breast, they look more like sacks hanging on my chest!! There is no part of that picture that is beautiful. When I lose this weight I will need plastic surgery in a bad way.
Another reason I want to lose weight is to get off the medication and C-pap I am on. I hate sleeping with that thing on my face. I thank God for it though because it keeps me alive. I want to be able to take a shower with my husband one day. We have been married 20 1/2 years and NEVER in that time have we taken a shower together. I refuse to let him see me naked. Would you want to see someone who looks like I do naked? Yea that's what I thought and trust me he doesn't either. He is not the kind of man who thinks rolls and more rolls on a woman is sexy. He isn't mean about it at all. He has never said one ugly word to me about my weight except that he wishes I took better care of myself, heck I do too!!
So now you know why I want/need to get into the gym and do cardio to start before I do weights. I was going to post a picture of what I look like now on here and I couldn't find one. I am always behind the camera, I try never to be in front of it. I guess I succeeded.
Later....
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
How I rationalize it....
Last night when I fixed dinner I thought I was doing a good thing. I saw Rachel Ray fix some turkey meat balls. I had ground turkey out and thought I could fix that too. So I put an egg, some bread crumbs, some spices in the ground turkey and made them into balls. I put them in a little olive oil (or as she says EVOO!) and fried them up a little. I then put a little butter in the pan then added some mushrooms and then some brown gravy mix to it and let it all simmer for a while. Rachel made mashed potatoes with it so Darla made mashed potatoes too, with little red potatoes (I heard they are suppose to be better for you, I don't know why, they just are suppose to be). It all turned out pretty good, maybe ol' Rachel knows what she's talking about!
So I tell myself - PORTION CONTROL!! Yea.....and the disease part of my brain, the fat girl side - she was screaming DIG IN!! Guess who I listened to?!?! I had to, the fat girl side was strong arming me, so I dug in! Actually I only took 3 meat balls and they aren't big. But when I got to the potatoes then "stupid" set in. I took more then I should have, thank goodness I didn't make a ton of those! Okay, so 3 meat balls and a little more then I should have taken on the potatoes, not horrible....THE FIRST TIME AROUND!! Oh gosh.....the fat girl was screaming "do it again" I listened damn it!! I took 3 more meat balls and LESS potatoes. I was so full I wanted to throw up. Why do I listen to her? She always gets me in trouble and makes me feel miserable. I hate her!! Sometimes I wish I could hire a hit man and get rid of her!!
Sad thing was, I did pretty good for most of the day until dinner time. Sure glad I'm not getting on the scales until July 6th!!
Have a great day...
So I tell myself - PORTION CONTROL!! Yea.....and the disease part of my brain, the fat girl side - she was screaming DIG IN!! Guess who I listened to?!?! I had to, the fat girl side was strong arming me, so I dug in! Actually I only took 3 meat balls and they aren't big. But when I got to the potatoes then "stupid" set in. I took more then I should have, thank goodness I didn't make a ton of those! Okay, so 3 meat balls and a little more then I should have taken on the potatoes, not horrible....THE FIRST TIME AROUND!! Oh gosh.....the fat girl was screaming "do it again" I listened damn it!! I took 3 more meat balls and LESS potatoes. I was so full I wanted to throw up. Why do I listen to her? She always gets me in trouble and makes me feel miserable. I hate her!! Sometimes I wish I could hire a hit man and get rid of her!!
Sad thing was, I did pretty good for most of the day until dinner time. Sure glad I'm not getting on the scales until July 6th!!
Have a great day...
Monday, June 13, 2011
Weight loss for life...
So I thought I'd tell you about the "life change" I'm on and how I'm doing it. There is a book called "Body for Life" by Bill Phillips. He use to be a weight lifter. He also has a cookbook called "Eating for Life." Both books are good! In it Bill says you eat his way for 6 days and on the 7th day you eat anything you want, as much as you want. He also says you should do cardio one day and weights the next. Once a upon a time, about 5 years ago, I was following this plan faithfully and was loosing. Then for some stupid reason I quit and gained it all back plus...
Bill says to eat 6 times a time, not big meals, they are all portioned out. Like a potato shouldn't be any bigger then the size of your fist and a piece of meat not any bigger then the size of your palm. He says to drink plenty of water too. The mind set for the 7th day eating is to kind of fool your body into thinking you aren't dieting (which you aren't its a life change) and to also help you in the fact that you can still eat what you want and don't think you are being deprived anything. JUST WATCH IT THOUGH, my husband and I did exactly what we wanted on that 7th day. I don't know about him but I managed to gain back whatever weight I lost in one day that took me 4 weeks to lose!! Enough of that nonsense! Since my mind is such a great trickster, I am NOT eating any junk on my 7th day to start because I don't want that lump in my throat or the chest thingy or whatever else I can conjure up subconsciously!!
So today for breakfast I had a bowl of shredded wheat, a banana and that's it. No idea what to have for lunch.
Later....
Bill says to eat 6 times a time, not big meals, they are all portioned out. Like a potato shouldn't be any bigger then the size of your fist and a piece of meat not any bigger then the size of your palm. He says to drink plenty of water too. The mind set for the 7th day eating is to kind of fool your body into thinking you aren't dieting (which you aren't its a life change) and to also help you in the fact that you can still eat what you want and don't think you are being deprived anything. JUST WATCH IT THOUGH, my husband and I did exactly what we wanted on that 7th day. I don't know about him but I managed to gain back whatever weight I lost in one day that took me 4 weeks to lose!! Enough of that nonsense! Since my mind is such a great trickster, I am NOT eating any junk on my 7th day to start because I don't want that lump in my throat or the chest thingy or whatever else I can conjure up subconsciously!!
So today for breakfast I had a bowl of shredded wheat, a banana and that's it. No idea what to have for lunch.
Later....
Sunday, June 12, 2011
How do I do this???
I found out I have a great mind! Honestly! I can create things out of nothing and they work! Let me explain....
When guilt sets in I can create a lump in my throat that makes me gag so I can't eat. I even went to the doctors because I could feel it in my throat, but only me. He couldn't. I figured out I can create a lump (not a real one) in my throat when I feel guilty for eating things I shouldn't, crazy isn't it?!?! It gets better...now I can cause myself to feel like I am having chest pains when I don't really. Why? GUILT!! Isn't it amazing how great your mind is?
I truly stand in amazement on what my subconscious can do. I'm not even aware that I do these things until this all happens. Its not like I think "oh lets have some chest pains because I ate something I shouldn't and I feel gulity" it just happens. Here's a good for instance that I did yesterday! This was a first. My husband bought me this candy bar of some sort, I ate it. Didn't think a thing about it. About a half hour - hour later I started feeling weird and I can't even discribe what "weird" is. I was feeling weak and having some chest pains, but even that wasn't like a heart attack chest pain thing, it was more like someone hit me in the chest kind of sore thing. That was it, but it scared the life out of me. I'm thinking my blood sugar has sky rocketed because of the candy bar or I was having a heart attack! I truly was scared. I wasn't home to be able to check my blood sugar or I would have. I checked online for what kinds of reactions you can get from high blood sugar and I didn't have any of them. I also wasn't having any "normal" symptoms of a heart attack either. It lasted about 4 hours! I walked around some store, wasn't short of breathe, wasn't sweating, didn't feel faint, nothing. Just weird. Then I got to thinking, I wonder if it my "guilty conscious" again. I said a prayer and asked Heavenly Father if I was really having some sort of a reaction to something other then my own mind to take it away, immediately it was gone!
OH FOR HEAVENS SAKE!! Okay, so apparently the lump in my throat isn't cutting it, I have to manufacture scarier symptoms! If I just don't eat the crap then the guilt won't set in stupid!!
So my husband and I go to the grocery store for the usual Sunday stuff to eat, he said " you want some chips for tomorrow?" I said "heck no!" We walk around some more, he said "you want some cheese or chocolate covered almonds?" NO again, he was amazed I didn't want chips (I love those things, they are my downfall) I'm thinking if guilt is playing this big part in my body just stay away from it and it won't happen!! Gees...am I thick or what? So for lunch today, its a turkey sandwich on some sort of multi grain bread (no cheese) and a banana. Breakfast is either an egg sandwich or a cup of oatmeal and I'm leaning towards the oatmeal and for dinner it chicken, but I don't know how I'm going to fix it. NO CHIPS, NO CHOCOLATE COVERED ALMONDS, NO CHEESE - nothing I shouldn't eat.
Later....
When guilt sets in I can create a lump in my throat that makes me gag so I can't eat. I even went to the doctors because I could feel it in my throat, but only me. He couldn't. I figured out I can create a lump (not a real one) in my throat when I feel guilty for eating things I shouldn't, crazy isn't it?!?! It gets better...now I can cause myself to feel like I am having chest pains when I don't really. Why? GUILT!! Isn't it amazing how great your mind is?
I truly stand in amazement on what my subconscious can do. I'm not even aware that I do these things until this all happens. Its not like I think "oh lets have some chest pains because I ate something I shouldn't and I feel gulity" it just happens. Here's a good for instance that I did yesterday! This was a first. My husband bought me this candy bar of some sort, I ate it. Didn't think a thing about it. About a half hour - hour later I started feeling weird and I can't even discribe what "weird" is. I was feeling weak and having some chest pains, but even that wasn't like a heart attack chest pain thing, it was more like someone hit me in the chest kind of sore thing. That was it, but it scared the life out of me. I'm thinking my blood sugar has sky rocketed because of the candy bar or I was having a heart attack! I truly was scared. I wasn't home to be able to check my blood sugar or I would have. I checked online for what kinds of reactions you can get from high blood sugar and I didn't have any of them. I also wasn't having any "normal" symptoms of a heart attack either. It lasted about 4 hours! I walked around some store, wasn't short of breathe, wasn't sweating, didn't feel faint, nothing. Just weird. Then I got to thinking, I wonder if it my "guilty conscious" again. I said a prayer and asked Heavenly Father if I was really having some sort of a reaction to something other then my own mind to take it away, immediately it was gone!
OH FOR HEAVENS SAKE!! Okay, so apparently the lump in my throat isn't cutting it, I have to manufacture scarier symptoms! If I just don't eat the crap then the guilt won't set in stupid!!
So my husband and I go to the grocery store for the usual Sunday stuff to eat, he said " you want some chips for tomorrow?" I said "heck no!" We walk around some more, he said "you want some cheese or chocolate covered almonds?" NO again, he was amazed I didn't want chips (I love those things, they are my downfall) I'm thinking if guilt is playing this big part in my body just stay away from it and it won't happen!! Gees...am I thick or what? So for lunch today, its a turkey sandwich on some sort of multi grain bread (no cheese) and a banana. Breakfast is either an egg sandwich or a cup of oatmeal and I'm leaning towards the oatmeal and for dinner it chicken, but I don't know how I'm going to fix it. NO CHIPS, NO CHOCOLATE COVERED ALMONDS, NO CHEESE - nothing I shouldn't eat.
Later....
Friday, June 10, 2011
Cravings...oh gosh
I hate cravings...just exactly what causes them, does anyone know??? This is how it goes....I eat dinner....I'm full....then about an hour later the cravings set in. What's up with that?!?! I'm not even hungry but yet I'm craving something, anything! I hate it. I can sit down to dinner and I can tell you BEFORE I even eat, if I will be rummaging thru the cupboards or the frig before the night is over, that I won't be satisfied with the dinner I haven't even eaten yet!! And they are almost uncontrollable, I feel like a meth addict - I could "almost" sell my soul for something! (not really but it feels that way). I think that's part of the disease also. I'm not hungry, I'm bored or whatever mood I'm feeling at the time.
I think that's part of the problem, I won't let myself feel the feeling that I'm having at the time the cravings hit. My automatic reaction is to stuff it with food. I should try "just one time" to feel the feeling and see what happens. I think I'm going to make that my new goal and call it "feel the feeling before eating it away" what a novel concept!
For the most part I have been doing better about eating. I did manage to get rid of those 100 calorie thingies that were screaming my name all the time. I showed them, I ate them in two days! Yeah, I really showed them! I'm glad I'm not getting on the scale anytime soon! Other then those things, I have been doing better. I don't eat all the time. I had an egg sandwich on multi grain bread and a cup of milk and I also had water. Didn't eat again until lunch - something surprising happened there, went to this place called Braums for a birthday lunch for a couple ladies from church. Got a chicken strip dinner, One my 3rd strip (there are only 4) I was actually feeling full! Wow - I use to be able to eat all of that, fries, drink and get an ice cream cone for dessert! I didn't even eat all the fries, I actually threw them away. Maybe there is something to this eating smaller thing after all!
Don't know what tonight brings, my husband and I are going to do something together. We talked about going out to dinner or staying in....who knows.
Later....
I think that's part of the problem, I won't let myself feel the feeling that I'm having at the time the cravings hit. My automatic reaction is to stuff it with food. I should try "just one time" to feel the feeling and see what happens. I think I'm going to make that my new goal and call it "feel the feeling before eating it away" what a novel concept!
For the most part I have been doing better about eating. I did manage to get rid of those 100 calorie thingies that were screaming my name all the time. I showed them, I ate them in two days! Yeah, I really showed them! I'm glad I'm not getting on the scale anytime soon! Other then those things, I have been doing better. I don't eat all the time. I had an egg sandwich on multi grain bread and a cup of milk and I also had water. Didn't eat again until lunch - something surprising happened there, went to this place called Braums for a birthday lunch for a couple ladies from church. Got a chicken strip dinner, One my 3rd strip (there are only 4) I was actually feeling full! Wow - I use to be able to eat all of that, fries, drink and get an ice cream cone for dessert! I didn't even eat all the fries, I actually threw them away. Maybe there is something to this eating smaller thing after all!
Don't know what tonight brings, my husband and I are going to do something together. We talked about going out to dinner or staying in....who knows.
Later....
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Its a diease
I've heard on TV that being over weight is being called a disease. I believe it. Having self discipline is NOT easy for a fat person! That's part of the disease, I can't get over how unbelievably hard it is to eat just a "little" or just "one" - I went to Walmart holding true to my convictions that I wouldn't buy junk, my husband wanted chocolate! That's like asking a drug addict to pass up the drug that's being handed to them!! He said "surprise me" I'm standing there, big fat me, looking at all the chocolate just knowing people are thinking as they walk by me "of all things she doesn't need that!" I am embarrassed just standing there trying to figure out what to get him to surprise him! Finally I decide on something and then I'm thinking what can I get me that is good for me, that doesn't have a lot of calories and I won't feel guilty about getting....I picked up two things.....a box of 100 calories thingies and Popsicles. Not bad huh?
IN THE CAR I break out a bag of 100 calorie cheese its!! I can't even wait until I get home!! Once home, I have 'ONE MORE BAG" and I say to myself, you can do this, now no more. I have one more again. So now I've had 3 - 100 calories bags of something. I'm thinking, this is where the disease comes in - okay okay, that's only 300 calories, you aren't doing bad, now NO more! I'm good....for supper I fix turkey hamburgers, they aren't big at all, I fixed two for each of us. I slap mine on two pieces of wheat bread with mustard and that's all I have for dinner. I drank more water then I have been and I'm good ..... until 8:30pm....oh gosh, those damn bags of 100 calories are in the kitchen screaming my name!! I try to fight it, but they are screaming so loud I had to do something to shut them up...so I had ONE more....now I feel like a failure. I tell myself not to eat after 7 at night and I broke my own rule....
I also decided that I won't be getting on the scales for a month - I could become a fanatic about scales but thought I would be better off checking it in a month. So far its not hard to stay off of them, I don't want to see that big number! I'm hoping to lose anywhere from 4 to 8 pounds in a month. That seems so slow to me, one or two pounds a week but I've heard that's the way to do it. Honestly I can put that much one in a day why is it better to take it off in a month?!?! Don't answer that, I know the answer....I just hate the answer. I wish there was a magic pill that you take everyday to take this weight off....gosh I hate that its so hard.
I wish I was more like my husband (btw he told me NOT to compare myself to him!) he gets up EVERYDAY to go and work out on weights, rarely does he miss a day. He's been doing this for 4-5 years now. I wish I liked to work out, that's what I mean I wish I was more like him. I HATE exercising, funny thing is, when I do I always feel better about myself, its just getting dressed, getting in the car and driving my sorry behind down to the gym and getting on the treadmill and walking for 20 - 30 mins that's a drudgery for me. Silly isn't it? It doesn't sound hard to do but man can I come up for the excuses for doing it!! Literally EVERYDAY I pray and ask Heavenly Father NOT to let me have a heart attack or stroke - then I think, if I was like Trent and worked out everyday then that's a prayer I wouldn't be saying. I CAN change it so why don't I?
Enough for one day...thanks for reading...
IN THE CAR I break out a bag of 100 calorie cheese its!! I can't even wait until I get home!! Once home, I have 'ONE MORE BAG" and I say to myself, you can do this, now no more. I have one more again. So now I've had 3 - 100 calories bags of something. I'm thinking, this is where the disease comes in - okay okay, that's only 300 calories, you aren't doing bad, now NO more! I'm good....for supper I fix turkey hamburgers, they aren't big at all, I fixed two for each of us. I slap mine on two pieces of wheat bread with mustard and that's all I have for dinner. I drank more water then I have been and I'm good ..... until 8:30pm....oh gosh, those damn bags of 100 calories are in the kitchen screaming my name!! I try to fight it, but they are screaming so loud I had to do something to shut them up...so I had ONE more....now I feel like a failure. I tell myself not to eat after 7 at night and I broke my own rule....
I also decided that I won't be getting on the scales for a month - I could become a fanatic about scales but thought I would be better off checking it in a month. So far its not hard to stay off of them, I don't want to see that big number! I'm hoping to lose anywhere from 4 to 8 pounds in a month. That seems so slow to me, one or two pounds a week but I've heard that's the way to do it. Honestly I can put that much one in a day why is it better to take it off in a month?!?! Don't answer that, I know the answer....I just hate the answer. I wish there was a magic pill that you take everyday to take this weight off....gosh I hate that its so hard.
I wish I was more like my husband (btw he told me NOT to compare myself to him!) he gets up EVERYDAY to go and work out on weights, rarely does he miss a day. He's been doing this for 4-5 years now. I wish I liked to work out, that's what I mean I wish I was more like him. I HATE exercising, funny thing is, when I do I always feel better about myself, its just getting dressed, getting in the car and driving my sorry behind down to the gym and getting on the treadmill and walking for 20 - 30 mins that's a drudgery for me. Silly isn't it? It doesn't sound hard to do but man can I come up for the excuses for doing it!! Literally EVERYDAY I pray and ask Heavenly Father NOT to let me have a heart attack or stroke - then I think, if I was like Trent and worked out everyday then that's a prayer I wouldn't be saying. I CAN change it so why don't I?
Enough for one day...thanks for reading...
Monday, June 6, 2011
Day One - Old Habits are hard to break
My daughter sent me a blog from a friend of her's who is on a weight loss journey as well. It was an inspiration to me. Got me to thinking I should do it too. Maybe it will help someone or maybe it will just help me, I don't know.
I can't tell you how many times in the past 25 years I have tried to lose weight. Its a never ending battle. I have tried just about all the popular diets out there, I can say I haven't done any crazy ones like the grapefruit diet or having my jaws wired shut or having beads put in my ears.... What I can tell you is that whatever diet I was on worked for me, I can lose weight, what I haven't got is what my husband says"self discipline" - he's right. I think I'm a thin person living in a fat girls body! I eat what I want, thinking I won't gain weight, I'm actually thin, right? NOT!! I fool myself (or try) thinking I don't really look like this, there is NO way I could have gotten this heavy! At times I'm acutally surprised when I look in the mirror and see this other person, that isn't me! I would never let myself look like that...what a joke! That's exactly what I did and why? That's the ultimate question, I'd like someone to stand up and tell me how this happen, any takers!?!? Why?? I like food stupid (stupid being me!), I use food for comfort, for boredom, when I'm tired or angry. An emotional eater. I have found that through the course of time, I can't eat if I'm really stressed and upset.
But who wants to stay stressed and upset all the time?!? What a heck of a way to lose weight!
In this blog I will be talking about my everyday struggles, how I cope, how I get through it, my goals, givng recipes from time to time. Telling you what I eat each day. For me - that is accountability - which is what I need. I have been free eating for so long, that I hate it. I need accountability, not excuses. Old habits are hard to break but it can be done. I hope you will get some help from me, I hope to become self disciplined, I hope to become thin and feel good about myself, become healthy and get off the medication that keeps my sorry behind alive because I like to eat! This blog is about total honesty, there will be no beating around the bush, no lying, just total honesty. I hope you will follow me on my journey, I know there will be times when it will be a bumpy ride, it will be smooth sailing at times, never the less, it will be a journey and it won't be a short one, I didn't get this heavy over night and it will take a while to get it off...so here it goes!
Goal #1 - Eat right for one day
That sounds too easy doesn't it? Its not, not when you are use to eating what you want when you want with no thought of the consequence's! Eating until you are so full you want to throw up, eating until you have that full feeling, knowing only then you are satisfied. So eating a "normal" portion isn't enough, I don't "feel full" I don't feel "satisfied" I want more, but that's how I got here...so this morning I had:
1 whole egg, 3 egg whites
1 slice of wheat toast with butter (all the way to the end, my family knows what that means!)
1 cup of milk
An hour later, guess what? I'm hungry! I sat there and thought now what? Its my first day, 1st meal and already I want to louse it up! I thought what can I do to make me feel full but not really be full....ummm... I know! A diet coke! So that's where I'm at. It takes that hungry feeling away when I know I'm not hungry. But along with that I need to drink water, which is hard for me to do. Not to drink water but to drink the amount I should in a days time.
I can't tell you how many times in the past 25 years I have tried to lose weight. Its a never ending battle. I have tried just about all the popular diets out there, I can say I haven't done any crazy ones like the grapefruit diet or having my jaws wired shut or having beads put in my ears.... What I can tell you is that whatever diet I was on worked for me, I can lose weight, what I haven't got is what my husband says"self discipline" - he's right. I think I'm a thin person living in a fat girls body! I eat what I want, thinking I won't gain weight, I'm actually thin, right? NOT!! I fool myself (or try) thinking I don't really look like this, there is NO way I could have gotten this heavy! At times I'm acutally surprised when I look in the mirror and see this other person, that isn't me! I would never let myself look like that...what a joke! That's exactly what I did and why? That's the ultimate question, I'd like someone to stand up and tell me how this happen, any takers!?!? Why?? I like food stupid (stupid being me!), I use food for comfort, for boredom, when I'm tired or angry. An emotional eater. I have found that through the course of time, I can't eat if I'm really stressed and upset.
But who wants to stay stressed and upset all the time?!? What a heck of a way to lose weight!
In this blog I will be talking about my everyday struggles, how I cope, how I get through it, my goals, givng recipes from time to time. Telling you what I eat each day. For me - that is accountability - which is what I need. I have been free eating for so long, that I hate it. I need accountability, not excuses. Old habits are hard to break but it can be done. I hope you will get some help from me, I hope to become self disciplined, I hope to become thin and feel good about myself, become healthy and get off the medication that keeps my sorry behind alive because I like to eat! This blog is about total honesty, there will be no beating around the bush, no lying, just total honesty. I hope you will follow me on my journey, I know there will be times when it will be a bumpy ride, it will be smooth sailing at times, never the less, it will be a journey and it won't be a short one, I didn't get this heavy over night and it will take a while to get it off...so here it goes!
Goal #1 - Eat right for one day
That sounds too easy doesn't it? Its not, not when you are use to eating what you want when you want with no thought of the consequence's! Eating until you are so full you want to throw up, eating until you have that full feeling, knowing only then you are satisfied. So eating a "normal" portion isn't enough, I don't "feel full" I don't feel "satisfied" I want more, but that's how I got here...so this morning I had:
1 whole egg, 3 egg whites
1 slice of wheat toast with butter (all the way to the end, my family knows what that means!)
1 cup of milk
An hour later, guess what? I'm hungry! I sat there and thought now what? Its my first day, 1st meal and already I want to louse it up! I thought what can I do to make me feel full but not really be full....ummm... I know! A diet coke! So that's where I'm at. It takes that hungry feeling away when I know I'm not hungry. But along with that I need to drink water, which is hard for me to do. Not to drink water but to drink the amount I should in a days time.
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